Rethink, Retool—and Decide!

guest blog by Jack Anderson

Henry David Thoreau said he “wished to live deliberately.” I, too, want to be decisive, and yet I often feel paralyzed by indecision. Each alternative seems equally important. Even after I decide, I’ll second-guess myself. I also make impulsive choices I regret. I therefore don’t trust my decision-making ability. Like the batter who stops swinging to avoid the pain of striking out, I stop living my life “deliberately.”

I’ve learned it’s all in the approach! Decision making can be difficult for those of us with ADHD, but it’s not impossible. Our brains may work differently, but they do work. We may think we need a new brain or more willpower, but we may just need a few creative solutions and a fresh approach to decision making more suited to our ADHD brains.

RETHINK your general approach

We can relieve some of the stress involved if we rethink the way we approach decision making. The systems, strategies, and tools that work for those without ADHD may not work well for you. And the best process for organizing, managing time, or making decisions is the process that works best for you.

Think strategic, not systematic.
Any approach to a task that is linear or systematic is rarely user-friendly for the ADHD brain. Yet there are essential aspects to any decision-making process (such as define goals; list options, benefits, risks, etc.). Keep these aspects in mind, but design your own process and carry it out in a way that works for you. Companies like Pixar, 3M, and Apple promote a culture that fosters innovation. Your brain can discover solutions no one else sees. So build a culture for yourself that lets your innovative mind thrive.

Think holes, not drills.
Marketing guru Ted Levitt explains that drill customers actually need a hole, not a fancy drill. The drill is simply a means to obtain a hole. What is your end goal? Don’t lose sight of that goal in your pursuit of order, efficiency or a formula. It’s easy to overcomplicate minor decisions and oversimplify major ones.

Think tools, not rules.
Rules must be obeyed. No exceptions. There’s only one right way. But tools are task-specific. The best tool is whichever one helps you accomplish the task. Your list of strategies is not a to-do list. It’s your toolbox. Keep adding to it as you learn. (This concept comes from Larry Osborne's Spirituality for the Rest of Us.)

RETOOL specific solutions for common dilemmas

How do we know which solutions to use? It may help to see decisions as doors and difficult decisions as locked doors. Solutions are keys that help us open locked doors. Just as a key has no value unless we know which door it unlocks, solutions are only practical if we know which problems they help us resolve.

For adults with ADHD, the greatest challenges related to decision making include dilemmas like impulsivity, procrastination, overpreparation, fear of failing, too many options, lack of confidence and motivation, inertia, and many others. Let's take a look at just one of these: the overwhelming challenge of too many options.

• Pick a leg!
  A lion tamer holds a stool in front of him to divide the lion’s focus (some even attach shiny medallions to each leg). With his focus divided between the four legs, the lion can’t lock in on his prey and is less likely to charge. If we try to look at everything, we focus on nothing and then we do nothing. So pick a leg and charge!
• Be a “satisficer” not a “maximizer.”
  In The Paradox of Choice, Barry Schwartz introduces us to “maximizers” and what he calls “satisficers.” Maximizers seek the best possible choice, which means hours of agonizing and paralyzing evaluation. Satisficers first define a few preferred criteria for making a choice (for example, I want a DVR with these three features and under $200). When an item meets their criteria, they buy it and waste no time in regret.
• Be a chooser, not a picker.
  Choosers make decisions about their decisions. Is it important? Must it be made now or made at all? Must I make it? Which option best meets my criteria? Choosers make a choice only when they know what they want. Pickers don’t know what they want. They browse yet resist making an actual choice. (This is also from Barry Schwartz.)

You can build your own toolbox by identifying your own dilemmas and finding useful tools. Use the tool you need when you need it. And then swing for the fences!

There is no guarantee you’ll never make a mistake or an unwise choice. In fact, you can plan on striking out and on getting some hits. Don’t let the fear of a wrong decision keep you from deciding. You can rebound from any mistake, except the mistake of never making any.

So live deliberately! Swing away!


Jack Anderson is a member—and sometimes guest facilitator—of the ADHDKC Support Group in Kansas City, Missouri.


A longer version of this post appears in the December 2014 issue of Attention magazine.
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The Gift of Play

by Kirsten Milliken, PhD

The holidays can be stressful. How many articles have you read this month that begin like that? Are you convinced yet? Is this the story that you want to repeat to yourself as you are driving over the mountains and through the woods to your relative’s house for the holidays? If so, stop reading this article now, because it will just be a time waster for you.

For the rest of you: What story would you prefer to have about spending time with family for the holidays? Stories of fun? Playing? Twinkles in people’s eyes? Visions of sugar plums and happy Whoville kin? What can you do to make this the memory you are left with after the holidays?

I recently visited my family—and I pray that they do not read this. I had not seen many of them in several years. The day of the family dinner we arrived early, and as each family member arrived I spent about five minutes catching up, and then it was on to the next conversation or new arrival. After everyone gathered, I could just observe, have brief conversations, and mull about. I observed the same old family dynamics that have always been there. I won’t go into what I saw, just in case someone in my family does read this. After two hours I was ready to leave. Thankfully, so was my mother. The fun part was over; we had eaten, and I had seen the family show.

On the way home, my mother and I talked about what was fun, what was funny, who said what, and what we were going to do for the rest of the evening. We’d left before we got bored. We’d had just enough conversation with each person to last us a while. We got the most we could out of the event, and then we chose to leave. Now this is one way to leave with happy memories of spending time with family. You don’t have to hang out until everyone else is leaving. Observing the relationships and family antics rather than participating can leave you with better stories to tell—and fewer stories told about you.

There have been other times when I have chosen to have a playful approach no matter what. One year I announced that I had a problem with the elves I had hired and was looking for some replacements. I made this comment out of the blue and no one knew what it was about. But it derailed an emotionally charged situation, transforming it into one in which I was having fun.

Playing with the kids instead of the “grown-ups” is an easy way to improve the family fun factor. Sit at the kids’ table. Their conversations are so much less serious—and you might even learn what a Pokemon really is!

Spending the holidays with family can be fun. This is what I know to be true—and so it is. Happy holidays!


Got a story about your family holidays to share? Suggestions to make? Start or join a conversation on Attention connection, your social network for all things ADHD!

Kirsten Milliken, PhD, is a licensed clinical psychologist, a certified ADHD coach, and the founder of PlayDHD. She lives in Portland, Maine, with her two amazing children and two really freaky dogs. Dr. Milliken is passionate about helping those with ADHD communicate about the ways that ADHD affects them and coaches them to develop skill sets that build on their strengths in order to manage the day-to-day challenges of ADHD. She created PLAYDHD to create a specific awareness of the connection between ADHD and the value of play. Her website, playdhd.com, is dedicated to the art of using play in managing symptoms of ADHD, achieving goals, and enjoying life. She is an active member in the ADHD Coaches Organization (ACO), CHADD, Attention Deficit Disorder Association (ADDA), International Coaches Federation (ICF), and a graduate of the ADD Coaches Academy (ADDCA). She regularly presents at ADHD conferences on the subject of play. She also hosts the PlayDHD podcast, is a frequent guest and former co-host on Attention Talk Radio, and contributes to various other websites serving the ADHD community.

Play Breaks

by Kirsten Milliken, PhD

For decades, employers have allowed workers to take a ten-minute break to smoke a cigarette. What does the smoker get out of the ten-minute smoke break? Their nicotine “fix,” certainly. But they also get away from their desk. They often get to be social with peers. They get to move their bodies and breathe the outdoor air. These breaks are often under the auspices of “needing” to smoke to relax during periods of stress. With the decline in the number of people who smoke (three percent a year), are employees given other options for relaxing or taking random breaks?

What if you’re not a smoker? My husband once pretended to be a smoker so that he could take breaks and get out of his work environment for ten minutes several times a day. He would come back from “smoking” feeling refreshed, happier, and ready to focus on his next task. It seemed unlikely to him that his request would have been granted had he simply asked if he could have a break.

I am addicted to play the way smokers are addicted to nicotine. If I don’t get some form of play I get irritable, I have cravings, and I have difficulty handling stress. When I have a few moments to move, have fun, laugh, or create something novel, my brain is able to power down for a few moments and then come back “online” so I can resume working in a more productive way. Thus I receive all the benefits and none of the health concerns of smoking. In fact, research suggests that people who incorporate forms of play into their days are healthier and more satisfied with their lives.

What would you do if the company where you work had a policy that its workers had to play for fifteen to thirty minutes every day? How would you spend your time? How would that change your mood? Mindset? Productivity? Happiness? Job satisfaction?


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Kirsten Milliken, PhD, is a licensed clinical psychologist, a certified ADHD coach, and the founder of PlayDHD. She lives in Portland, Maine, with her two amazing children and two really freaky dogs. Dr. Milliken is passionate about helping those with ADHD communicate about the ways that ADHD affects them and coaches them to develop skill sets that build on their strengths in order to manage the day-to-day challenges of ADHD. She created PLAYDHD to create a specific awareness of the connection between ADHD and the value of play. Her website, playdhd.com, is dedicated to the art of using play in managing symptoms of ADHD, achieving goals, and enjoying life. She is an active member in the ADHD Coaches Organization (ACO), CHADD, Attention Deficit Disorder Association (ADDA), International Coaches Federation (ICF), and a graduate of the ADD Coaches Academy (ADDCA). She regularly presents at ADHD conferences on the subject of play. She also hosts the PlayDHD podcast, is a frequent guest and former co-host on Attention Talk Radio, and contributes to various other websites serving the ADHD community.

'I'm Sorry' Is Not a Magic Wand

by Kirsten Milliken, PhD

A few days ago I was sitting with a friend who also has ADHD. We were having a great time amusing one another with stories of our day. I had a really funny story to tell. It was a story that was going to cause us to laugh hard and long—maybe even snort!

Earlier that day I’d had an interaction with some twenty-something-year-olds at the mall. I set the scene, but before I could tell the actual story, my friend remarked, “They must be looking at you, hanging out at the mall, thinking, “what a loser.” Now, in the real world, this remark was actually somewhat funny. But in my world, the word “loser” hit an old sore spot and made me catch my breath.

My friend immediately saw that I was hurt. I immediately said, “I know you did not mean anything by that. It just felt mean to me.” My friend apologized and I accepted it saying it really was not necessary. I knew her intention was not mean. We are friends. She was caught up in the image of the scene I had set up. I understood the context of the comment. The hurt was from my past. So I had accepted the apology and now she wanted to hear the story…

But I was no longer in the same mood.

I wanted to tell the story. It was hilarious. But I had to be in that mood to tell it.

I said I needed a few minutes. But we have ADHD.

My friend was still in a playful mood and wanted to continue in that mood—not this new one. I was trying to resolve my hurt, but it was going to take a lot of effort to get back there again. She did not want to feel guilty and wanted to go back to playing. She got mad at me. “So you don’t want to share your story because you’re mad at me?” I was not. But the play had been put on hold and this was unacceptable to her. There was no way for her to understand my struggle to play more because she did not know what was causing my hurt if it was not her comment.

An apology is not a magic wand. Whether it is your words or actions that causes someone’s hurt, things do not just go back the way they were because an apology is offered and accepted.

Grab a plate and throw it on the ground.
—Okay, done.
Did it break?
—Yes.
Now say sorry to it.
—Sorry.
Did it go back to the way it was before?
—No.
Do you understand?

I love this quote about apologies: It illustrates exactly what I tried to explain to my friend. But she felt bad and did not understand no matter how hard I tried to explain.

I have to say that I desperately wanted to get back to being more playful as well. I love our fun together. But I needed to pause and find my way back there. But now I had two barriers to feeling playful—my own hurt and hers. Needless to say we did not play, and the evening ended earlier than expected. Sadly.

So what would have gotten us back to play? Time will eventually get us back to play. In the moment, if my friend had asked me what was causing my upset if it was not her words, this might have helped her to understand my reaction. Changing the subject to something else for a brief period of time may have also helped to change my focus from the word that triggered me to something more enjoyable.

Moods can change quickly. But they are not like rubber bands. Once they change they do not snap back by just willing ourselves to let them go. With time, distractions, and understanding they can resolve. I’m looking forward to more play with my friend and I still have that story to tell her next time. It’s hilarious!



Kirsten Milliken, PhD, is a licensed clinical psychologist, a certified ADHD coach, and the founder of PlayDHD. She lives in Portland, Maine, with her two amazing children and two really freaky dogs. Dr. Milliken is passionate about helping those with ADHD communicate about the ways that ADHD affects them and coaches them to develop skill sets that build on their strengths in order to manage the day-to-day challenges of ADHD. She created PLAYDHD to create a specific awareness of the connection between ADHD and the value of play. Her website, playdhd.com, is dedicated to the art of using play in managing symptoms of ADHD, achieving goals, and enjoying life. She is an active member in the ADHD Coaches Organization (ACO), CHADD, Attention Deficit Disorder Association (ADDA), International Coaches Federation (ICF), and a graduate of the ADD Coaches Academy (ADDCA). She regularly presents at ADHD conferences on the subject of play. She also hosts the PlayDHD podcast, is a frequent guest and former co-host on Attention Talk Radio, and contributes to various other websites serving the ADHD community.

Why Work When You Can Plork?

by Kirsten Milliken, PhD

Dr. Stuart Brown is the founder of the National Institute for Play. His research has centered on asking his guinea pigs (humans) how they played as a child. The purpose of his original research was to gather data about serial killers. What he found was that one of the things that was consistent among them was that they did not play as kids. What kind of future can one imagine for oneself if one doesn’t play?

In my “plork” (combination of play and work) with clients I also ask them how they played as kids. Now I am not interviewing serial killers. Nor do I coach them, do therapy with them, or offer career counseling services in hopes that they might find a more suitable profession. My clients all have ADHD. Asking them about how they played can help them in a variety of areas.

When you think about how you played, the thought alone can often change your mood. Think about how old you were, where you were, who you were with, what you were doing, how it felt. Once you can capture that mood a lot of other things can shift. For instance, when we are in a happier mood and feeling playful we are often more open to flashes of insight, we are more creative, more optimistic, and more social. Feeling playful helps us to focus, raises our level of motivation, and makes us feel more energized. We can be more effective, productive, and happy in all aspects of our lives.

Many career coaches ask clients to recall what, when they were kids, they wanted to be when they grew up. This often sheds some insight into their true passion, interests, and abilities, and offers a path to consider for their next career. Some of my clients cannot recall what they wanted to be when they grew up. But the information is readily available when they are asked about how they liked to play as kids. Plus, the focus is then on play rather than work! This alone seems to help my clients become more open to possibilities for themselves. Of course, if they can’t answer either question I may want to refer them back to Dr. Brown!

Back to that word I used earlier—PLORK. I passionately dislike the word “work.” It suggests that what I am doing is difficult and a burden. But the word “play” suggests to many that what I do is frivolous, immature, nonproductive. So a combination of these is what I do. This satisfies everyone, gives me a little giggle, and typically leads to a conversation about my thoughts about the connection between play, work, and ADHD.

How did you play as a kid? How does this show up in your plork now?



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Kirsten Milliken, PhD, is a licensed clinical psychologist, a certified ADHD coach, and the founder of PlayDHD. She lives in Portland, Maine, with her two amazing children and two really freaky dogs. Dr. Milliken is passionate about helping those with ADHD communicate about the ways that ADHD affects them and coaches them to develop skill sets that build on their strengths in order to manage the day-to-day challenges of ADHD. She created PLAYDHD to create a specific awareness of the connection between ADHD and the value of play. Her website, playdhd.com, is dedicated to the art of using play in managing symptoms of ADHD, achieving goals, and enjoying life. She is an active member in the ADHD Coaches Organization (ACO), CHADD, Attention Deficit Disorder Association (ADDA), International Coaches Federation (ICF), and a graduate of the ADD Coaches Academy (ADDCA). She regularly presents at ADHD conferences on the subject of play. She also hosts the PlayDHD podcast, is a frequent guest and former co-host on Attention Talk Radio, and contributes to various other websites serving the ADHD community.

Pause, Reflect, and Refocus

 by Kirsten Milliken, PhD

A friend recently pointed out to me that I was frustrated “a lot.” I stopped (because I have learned to pause) and thought about it. I very quickly knew he was right.

I had been complaining a lot about everything in my life. I was frustrated with my kids, annoyed with people at work, impatient, and disappointed frequently. And I was not being quiet about this. Everyone knew that I was frustrated. Only this man had the guts to point it out.

One of the casualties of my frustration was that I was not enjoying myself and playing as much. Everything was more serious. Things had to be on time. I did not have time to “waste.” Everything became a mission. Plans needed to be made and kept. I wanted to know “what next?” I was becoming more rigid and tense and unhappy. They say the opposite of play is depression—I was certainly moving in this direction.

Some days after my frustration was pointed out to me I realized that I had moved away from my acceptance and enjoyment of how things were in my life and moved into focusing on hopes and expectations. My friend had only recently said to me, “Hopes and expectations only lead to disappointment.” (And frustration). Such wisdom.

This line of thinking made me reflect on a conversation I had with Dr. Mark Bertin at the CHADD conference last year. He talks to his ADHD clients about the importance of mindfulness—the practice of being in the moment and fully appreciating it. As we talked we drew the parallel between the idea of being in the moment when we are truly playful and being mindful. Acceptance and enjoyment are mindful and are more conducive to play.

So if you find yourself feeling frustrated, disappointed, impatient, or annoyed, take a moment to check if you are focused on your expectations and refocus on being mindful and present in the current moment. Be playful with what and who you have in front of you. I know I am working on doing this more so that life will be happier again.


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Kirsten Milliken, PhD, is a licensed clinical psychologist, a certified ADHD coach, and the founder of PlayDHD. She lives in Portland, Maine, with her two amazing children and two really freaky dogs. Dr. Milliken is passionate about helping those with ADHD communicate about the ways that ADHD affects them and coaches them to develop skill sets that build on their strengths in order to manage the day-to-day challenges of ADHD. She created PLAYDHD to create a specific awareness of the connection between ADHD and the value of play. Her website, playdhd.com, is dedicated to the art of using play in managing symptoms of ADHD, achieving goals, and enjoying life. She is an active member in the ADHD Coaches Organization (ACO), CHADD, Attention Deficit Disorder Association (ADDA), International Coaches Federation (ICF), and a graduate of the ADD Coaches Academy (ADDCA). She regularly presents at ADHD conferences on the subject of play. She also hosts the PlayDHD podcast, is a frequent guest and former co-host on Attention Talk Radio, and contributes to various other websites serving the ADHD community.

The Real Secret of Success

by Kirsten Milliken, PhD

There is a movement on to encourage kids and adults alike to incorporate more play in their day—whether it is being in nature, connecting with your kids, having fun at work, or just taking a break once in a while. But if you are an adult with ADHD, you may struggle to find the time to have fun. With the seemingly endless list of projects to complete and never having enough time to “do it all,” taking a break and having fun always make their way off the list of things we intend to do each day.

In recent years researchers have been investigating the impact that “all work and no play” can have on our health, productivity, and happiness. Shawn Achor of Harvard gave a TED Talk on research findings that have led to a new way of thinking about the relationship between success and happiness. He postulates that it is not success that leads to happiness, but rather happiness that leads to success. By engaging in activities that increase our optimism and focus our brain on positive experiences in our days, we activate the dopamine pathway and light up our frontal cortex, thus increasing our potential for learning, creativity, and a sense of well-being. The frontal cortex is also the region that is most closely associated with ADHD. And dopamine is the neurotransmitter that is targeted in medications used to treat ADHD.

Taken together, the above information might suggest that focusing on habits that improve happiness is the path to success for people with ADHD. But most strategies that are suggested for adults with ADHD target the goals of being more productive, efficient, and focused on work. When the time comes for a break, the time when habits to promote happiness might occur, many adults with ADHD find themselves at a loss for exactly what to do. As a result the break time passes without any joy, fun, or increase in happiness.

In order to get started, stay focused, and be productive, individuals with ADHD often use to-do lists, reminder apps, calendars, and alarms. We leave our free time to chance. While it’s great to be spontaneous and free time might be the perfect time to be impulsive, when you are starting to develop a habit to build happiness, it is not the time to leave things to chance. Why not have a plan to play? A standing menu of options that you change up on a regular basis or add to depending on the day. A starting point so when the time comes for a break or down time you know what you can do to get the dopamine flowing to your frontal cortex. Think about the things that “get you going.” What would be on your list?


Kirsten Milliken, PhD, is a licensed clinical psychologist, a certified ADHD coach, and the founder of PlayDHD. She lives in Portland, Maine, with her two amazing children and two really freaky dogs. Dr. Milliken is passionate about helping those with ADHD communicate about the ways that ADHD affects them and coaches them to develop skill sets that build on their strengths in order to manage the day-to-day challenges of ADHD. She created PLAYDHD to create a specific awareness of the connection between ADHD and the value of play. Her website, playdhd.com, is dedicated to the art of using play in managing symptoms of ADHD, achieving goals, and enjoying life. She is an active member in the ADHD Coaches Organization (ACO), CHADD, Attention Deficit Disorder Association (ADDA), International Coaches Federation (ICF), and a graduate of the ADD Coaches Academy (ADDCA). She regularly presents at ADHD conferences on the subject of play. She also hosts the PlayDHD podcast, is a frequent guest and former co-host on Attention Talk Radio, and contributes to various other websites serving the ADHD community.

Freedom from Frustration

by Terry M. Dickson, MD, ACG, CPCC

Ever have one of those ADHD moments when there is a lot of overwhelm? Those moments when, feeling intense emotion, tension, and helplessness, we are unable to remain calm and collected?

It can begin when we believe we need something and there doesn’t seem to be a way to fulfill that need. Of course, everything should run smoothly, but in reality, it doesn’t. And when we can’t seem to achieve what we want right away, if things are chaotic and we get into overwhelm mode, frustration and sometimes anger can set in. We don’t always get what we want, and we are often out of our routine. Frustration is a common emotional response to being out of sync with what we want or expect to happen.

What kinds of situations leave folks with ADHD vulnerable to frustration, anger, and overwhelm? There are so many: we’re sitting in traffic, our kids are out of control, our spouse criticizes us for something after we’ve had a difficult day at the office, we’re trying to do something that just doesn’t seem to work....

Frustration isn’t just external irritation. It goes beyond that. When needs, goals, or expectations are not met, we typically experience anger, disappointment, dissatisfaction, or discouragement.

Frustration saps our energy. It can make us tired, feeling helpless, or even resentful. If that stress continues, we may feel like we have nothing left to give and begin to push others away.

Often people with ADHD impulsively express their frustration inappropriately and may feel embarrassed or regretful afterwards. They often express anger or make rash, reactionary statements toward others. Even though these responses may help release a bunch of energy, other people can get very hurt, and a lot of misunderstanding can result.

It is well known that folks with ADHD often suffer overwhelm and that frustration is a normal consequence. But what is most important is how you handle that frustration.

Are there self-empowering ways of handling frustration? Sure. You can learn new coping strategies. You don’t have to take it out on others. Identify when you are being judgmental or having unrealistic expectations of others. Here are some tips.

1. Be aware of ADHD moments. Learn what situations tend to make you most vulnerable. When you notice you are getting frustrated, stop for minute. Take a deep breath. Closing your eyes and deep breathing are often helpful. Ask yourself, “What is it that I am frustrated about?”

2. Give yourself a time out. Go jogging, go for a walk, or exercise on the treadmill. Try to dissipate that stress. You may feel more relaxed and refreshed. It’s hard to be your beautiful, creative self when you are in survival mode. You may experience a new resourcefulness. Practice relaxation techniques.

3. Remember, you have choices. Try stepping back from what is frustrating you and look at it from a new perspective. Are you able to step back and look at the situation as an observer on the outside? Get a metaview of the situation from a curious perspective. When you are not in the thick of the problem, but looking at the whole picture as an outsider, you have a whole new vantage point to see other possibilities and solutions.

4. Avoid taking on a victim mentality. Don’t give up or quit. That victim mentality will leave you with poor self-esteem and even more anger or frustration. Frustration does not need to leave you collapsed with doom or feeling like a failure. Don’t go there! If things seem too difficult to handle, ask yourself, “Who do I need to be to accomplish ___________? What knowledge or skills do I need to accomplish_________?

5. Use this experience as an opportunity for new awareness and learning. What possibilities you might discover! Frustration and overload present opportunities for self-empowerment, discovery, and forward action. When you are able to be in control and redirect that energy, you are able to be more connected with others. You are free to be your wonderful, creative self.

6. Imagine a positive outcome. What did you learn from your frustration? What can you celebrate about the learning? Imagine yourself being successful and that others around you are winning, too.

7. Stick to a routine and work in an environment that is friendly to your style.

8. Make sure you get plenty of sleep.

To your success!

Terry

Terry M. Dickson, MD, ACG, CPCC, is the founder and director of The Behavioral Medicine Clinic of NW Michigan that has served and supported children, adolescents, and adults with ADHD for over eleven years. He has been a principal study investigator for several clinical ADHD medication trials. A Certified Professional Co-Active Coach, he is a graduate of the ADD Coach Academy and the Coaches Training Institute. Diagnosed with ADHD as an adult, Dr. Dickson speaks regularly on ADHD and has been interviewed locally and nationally on radio, television, and CHADD’s Ask the Expert online. Dr. Dickson and his wife of 32 years have two teenage children, both of whom have ADHD.

Why Am I So Angry?

by Terry M. Dickson

More evidence that there is a strong emotional component to ADHD has emerged over the past several years. Although ultimately it was not included, this emotional component was taken into consideration in determining the diagnostic criteria for ADHD in the DSM-5, the latest revision of the diagnostic manual. Folks with ADHD often have a difficult time regulating their emotions, and when faced with overwhelm, can have angry outbursts that hurt their relationships in the process.

Is anger something that is hurting your relationships, resulting in strained relationships within your family and with your friends? Here are some truths about anger when it is not controlled:

•      It impedes our ability to be happy.

•      It can send marriages and other family relationships off-course.

•      It compromises our social skills, thus interfering with healthy relationships.

•      It can result in non-productive business because of strained relationships.

•      It can lead to health problems because of increased stress.

 Anger is not always bad. It is a natural reaction to feelings of hurt and betrayal. It needs to be expressed at times and not held inside. However, aggressive forms of anger that are out of control can further hurt you socially, mentally, and physically. The goal of anger management is to help you find healthy ways to express that anger and resolve the issues that trigger it. Here are some tips for you:

•      Give yourself a “time out.” Find a safe spot for yourself and try deep breathing to calm down. Close your eyes and breathe all that stress out.

•      Give yourself a break. Go for a walk, get some exercise. Fresh air will do you good. Later you can come back to the problem from a new perspective and solve it!

•      It is okay to express your anger in a healthy, non-confrontational way. Decide what the real issue is. Once you are calm, state your concerns while being sensitive to the feelings of others.

•      Learn to recognize those ADHD moments that trigger your anger. Think about the effect your anger had on others around you. How might you handle the same situation differently from now on?

•      Ask yourself this question: “Will the object of my anger even matter ten years from now?”

•      Take care of yourself. Make sure that you get enough sleep, eat a healthy, well-balanced diet, and exercise regularly.

•      Brainstorm positive solutions to the problem.

•      Learn to think before you speak. In the heat of a discussion it is more difficult to listen. It may be easier if you pause in the moment, allowing yourself to collect your thoughts and reflect upon what the other person is saying.

•      Use humor to release tension.

•      Know when to seek help from a counselor or coach.

Terry M. Dickson, MD, ACG, CPCC, is the founder and director of The Behavioral Medicine Clinic of NW Michigan that has served and supported children, adolescents, and adults with ADHD for over eleven years. He has been a principal study investigator for several clinical ADHD medication trials. A Certified Professional Co-Active Coach, he is a graduate of the ADD Coach Academy and the Coaches Training Institute. Diagnosed with ADHD as an adult, Dr. Dickson speaks regularly on ADHD and has been interviewed locally and nationally on radio, television, and CHADD’s Ask the Expert online. Dr. Dickson and his wife of 32 years have two teenage children, both of whom have ADHD.