'I'm Sorry' Is Not a Magic Wand

by Kirsten Milliken, PhD

A few days ago I was sitting with a friend who also has ADHD. We were having a great time amusing one another with stories of our day. I had a really funny story to tell. It was a story that was going to cause us to laugh hard and long—maybe even snort!

Earlier that day I’d had an interaction with some twenty-something-year-olds at the mall. I set the scene, but before I could tell the actual story, my friend remarked, “They must be looking at you, hanging out at the mall, thinking, “what a loser.” Now, in the real world, this remark was actually somewhat funny. But in my world, the word “loser” hit an old sore spot and made me catch my breath.

My friend immediately saw that I was hurt. I immediately said, “I know you did not mean anything by that. It just felt mean to me.” My friend apologized and I accepted it saying it really was not necessary. I knew her intention was not mean. We are friends. She was caught up in the image of the scene I had set up. I understood the context of the comment. The hurt was from my past. So I had accepted the apology and now she wanted to hear the story…

But I was no longer in the same mood.

I wanted to tell the story. It was hilarious. But I had to be in that mood to tell it.

I said I needed a few minutes. But we have ADHD.

My friend was still in a playful mood and wanted to continue in that mood—not this new one. I was trying to resolve my hurt, but it was going to take a lot of effort to get back there again. She did not want to feel guilty and wanted to go back to playing. She got mad at me. “So you don’t want to share your story because you’re mad at me?” I was not. But the play had been put on hold and this was unacceptable to her. There was no way for her to understand my struggle to play more because she did not know what was causing my hurt if it was not her comment.

An apology is not a magic wand. Whether it is your words or actions that causes someone’s hurt, things do not just go back the way they were because an apology is offered and accepted.

Grab a plate and throw it on the ground.
—Okay, done.
Did it break?
—Yes.
Now say sorry to it.
—Sorry.
Did it go back to the way it was before?
—No.
Do you understand?

I love this quote about apologies: It illustrates exactly what I tried to explain to my friend. But she felt bad and did not understand no matter how hard I tried to explain.

I have to say that I desperately wanted to get back to being more playful as well. I love our fun together. But I needed to pause and find my way back there. But now I had two barriers to feeling playful—my own hurt and hers. Needless to say we did not play, and the evening ended earlier than expected. Sadly.

So what would have gotten us back to play? Time will eventually get us back to play. In the moment, if my friend had asked me what was causing my upset if it was not her words, this might have helped her to understand my reaction. Changing the subject to something else for a brief period of time may have also helped to change my focus from the word that triggered me to something more enjoyable.

Moods can change quickly. But they are not like rubber bands. Once they change they do not snap back by just willing ourselves to let them go. With time, distractions, and understanding they can resolve. I’m looking forward to more play with my friend and I still have that story to tell her next time. It’s hilarious!



Kirsten Milliken, PhD, is a licensed clinical psychologist, a certified ADHD coach, and the founder of PlayDHD. She lives in Portland, Maine, with her two amazing children and two really freaky dogs. Dr. Milliken is passionate about helping those with ADHD communicate about the ways that ADHD affects them and coaches them to develop skill sets that build on their strengths in order to manage the day-to-day challenges of ADHD. She created PLAYDHD to create a specific awareness of the connection between ADHD and the value of play. Her website, playdhd.com, is dedicated to the art of using play in managing symptoms of ADHD, achieving goals, and enjoying life. She is an active member in the ADHD Coaches Organization (ACO), CHADD, Attention Deficit Disorder Association (ADDA), International Coaches Federation (ICF), and a graduate of the ADD Coaches Academy (ADDCA). She regularly presents at ADHD conferences on the subject of play. She also hosts the PlayDHD podcast, is a frequent guest and former co-host on Attention Talk Radio, and contributes to various other websites serving the ADHD community.

Why Work When You Can Plork?

by Kirsten Milliken, PhD

Dr. Stuart Brown is the founder of the National Institute for Play. His research has centered on asking his guinea pigs (humans) how they played as a child. The purpose of his original research was to gather data about serial killers. What he found was that one of the things that was consistent among them was that they did not play as kids. What kind of future can one imagine for oneself if one doesn’t play?

In my “plork” (combination of play and work) with clients I also ask them how they played as kids. Now I am not interviewing serial killers. Nor do I coach them, do therapy with them, or offer career counseling services in hopes that they might find a more suitable profession. My clients all have ADHD. Asking them about how they played can help them in a variety of areas.

When you think about how you played, the thought alone can often change your mood. Think about how old you were, where you were, who you were with, what you were doing, how it felt. Once you can capture that mood a lot of other things can shift. For instance, when we are in a happier mood and feeling playful we are often more open to flashes of insight, we are more creative, more optimistic, and more social. Feeling playful helps us to focus, raises our level of motivation, and makes us feel more energized. We can be more effective, productive, and happy in all aspects of our lives.

Many career coaches ask clients to recall what, when they were kids, they wanted to be when they grew up. This often sheds some insight into their true passion, interests, and abilities, and offers a path to consider for their next career. Some of my clients cannot recall what they wanted to be when they grew up. But the information is readily available when they are asked about how they liked to play as kids. Plus, the focus is then on play rather than work! This alone seems to help my clients become more open to possibilities for themselves. Of course, if they can’t answer either question I may want to refer them back to Dr. Brown!

Back to that word I used earlier—PLORK. I passionately dislike the word “work.” It suggests that what I am doing is difficult and a burden. But the word “play” suggests to many that what I do is frivolous, immature, nonproductive. So a combination of these is what I do. This satisfies everyone, gives me a little giggle, and typically leads to a conversation about my thoughts about the connection between play, work, and ADHD.

How did you play as a kid? How does this show up in your plork now?



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Kirsten Milliken, PhD, is a licensed clinical psychologist, a certified ADHD coach, and the founder of PlayDHD. She lives in Portland, Maine, with her two amazing children and two really freaky dogs. Dr. Milliken is passionate about helping those with ADHD communicate about the ways that ADHD affects them and coaches them to develop skill sets that build on their strengths in order to manage the day-to-day challenges of ADHD. She created PLAYDHD to create a specific awareness of the connection between ADHD and the value of play. Her website, playdhd.com, is dedicated to the art of using play in managing symptoms of ADHD, achieving goals, and enjoying life. She is an active member in the ADHD Coaches Organization (ACO), CHADD, Attention Deficit Disorder Association (ADDA), International Coaches Federation (ICF), and a graduate of the ADD Coaches Academy (ADDCA). She regularly presents at ADHD conferences on the subject of play. She also hosts the PlayDHD podcast, is a frequent guest and former co-host on Attention Talk Radio, and contributes to various other websites serving the ADHD community.

Pause, Reflect, and Refocus

 by Kirsten Milliken, PhD

A friend recently pointed out to me that I was frustrated “a lot.” I stopped (because I have learned to pause) and thought about it. I very quickly knew he was right.

I had been complaining a lot about everything in my life. I was frustrated with my kids, annoyed with people at work, impatient, and disappointed frequently. And I was not being quiet about this. Everyone knew that I was frustrated. Only this man had the guts to point it out.

One of the casualties of my frustration was that I was not enjoying myself and playing as much. Everything was more serious. Things had to be on time. I did not have time to “waste.” Everything became a mission. Plans needed to be made and kept. I wanted to know “what next?” I was becoming more rigid and tense and unhappy. They say the opposite of play is depression—I was certainly moving in this direction.

Some days after my frustration was pointed out to me I realized that I had moved away from my acceptance and enjoyment of how things were in my life and moved into focusing on hopes and expectations. My friend had only recently said to me, “Hopes and expectations only lead to disappointment.” (And frustration). Such wisdom.

This line of thinking made me reflect on a conversation I had with Dr. Mark Bertin at the CHADD conference last year. He talks to his ADHD clients about the importance of mindfulness—the practice of being in the moment and fully appreciating it. As we talked we drew the parallel between the idea of being in the moment when we are truly playful and being mindful. Acceptance and enjoyment are mindful and are more conducive to play.

So if you find yourself feeling frustrated, disappointed, impatient, or annoyed, take a moment to check if you are focused on your expectations and refocus on being mindful and present in the current moment. Be playful with what and who you have in front of you. I know I am working on doing this more so that life will be happier again.


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Kirsten Milliken, PhD, is a licensed clinical psychologist, a certified ADHD coach, and the founder of PlayDHD. She lives in Portland, Maine, with her two amazing children and two really freaky dogs. Dr. Milliken is passionate about helping those with ADHD communicate about the ways that ADHD affects them and coaches them to develop skill sets that build on their strengths in order to manage the day-to-day challenges of ADHD. She created PLAYDHD to create a specific awareness of the connection between ADHD and the value of play. Her website, playdhd.com, is dedicated to the art of using play in managing symptoms of ADHD, achieving goals, and enjoying life. She is an active member in the ADHD Coaches Organization (ACO), CHADD, Attention Deficit Disorder Association (ADDA), International Coaches Federation (ICF), and a graduate of the ADD Coaches Academy (ADDCA). She regularly presents at ADHD conferences on the subject of play. She also hosts the PlayDHD podcast, is a frequent guest and former co-host on Attention Talk Radio, and contributes to various other websites serving the ADHD community.