Lost and Found: A Story of ADHD Strengths and Weaknesses

by Kirsten Milliken, PhD

This morning began with a search for my tax documents.

During a snow day last week, I had gotten organized. I went through my box full of receipts and tax documents and pulled out the ones I needed for both my personal and professional taxes. I separated them and clipped each pile together. I put them in an envelope. I was so proud of myself for being so organized and on time getting this done! The envelope was put on the counter so I would see it and send it to the CPA.

My house cleaner was coming the next day, so I had to pick up and make sure all surfaces were clear of stuff (so SHE could clean). I picked up in a hurry because I had to get to work. The next two days flew by with long hours of driving and working.

Today is my day to work on my stuff. That included my taxes. So first thing this morning, off I went to find the tax documents so I could send them out.

I swore they should be in the pile that had accumulated on the counter. But they weren’t there. Then I figured they were in the other pile on the floor in my bedroom. Nope! I looked on my desk, figuring if they were there, they would have to be on top. No luck. This continued for another half an hour, without any success.

So much for my organization and memory skills! These are my weaknesses.

I have strengths, too. But I was in a rut, focusing on my weaknesses. My motivation and interest in getting my taxes done was waning. Finally, I stopped and did something else for a few minutes. Then I used my awesome ADHD superpower of visual memory! I had put the documents in a manila envelope. All I had to do was look for something that size and color.

The first one I found was not it. Then I went back to my desk and scanned among the piles and saw an envelope buried halfway down one pile. Success!

While I may not get a refund on my corporate taxes, my personal documents were in there, too. Thank goodness for my superpowers!


Can you identify? Got a story to share? Start or join a conversation on Attention connection, your social network for all things ADHD!

Kirsten Milliken, PhD, is a licensed clinical psychologist, a certified ADHD coach, and the founder of PlayDHD. She lives in Portland, Maine, with her two amazing children and two really freaky dogs. Dr. Milliken is passionate about helping those with ADHD communicate about the ways that ADHD affects them and coaches them to develop skill sets that build on their strengths in order to manage the day-to-day challenges of ADHD. She created PLAYDHD to create a specific awareness of the connection between ADHD and the value of play. Her website, playdhd.com, is dedicated to the art of using play in managing symptoms of ADHD, achieving goals, and enjoying life. She is an active member in the ADHD Coaches Organization (ACO), CHADD, Attention Deficit Disorder Association (ADDA), International Coaches Federation (ICF), and a graduate of the ADD Coaches Academy (ADDCA). She regularly presents at ADHD conferences on the subject of play. She also hosts the PlayDHD podcast, is a frequent guest and former co-host on Attention Talk Radio, and contributes to various other websites serving the ADHD community.

ADHD Between the Sheets

guest blog by Ari Tuckman, PsyD, MBA, and Linda Roggli, PCC

   
There's a lot of good information available on how to improve a relationship if one partner has ADHD. Unfortunately, most of that good advice goes silent when you reach the bedroom door.

Every couple does better when they have a satisfying sex life, but couples who struggle more outside of bed need that positive energy all the more. Therefore, when one or both partners have ADHD, the protective effects of a good sex life are too important to neglect. Sex isn’t just fun; it protects your relationship—and the process of creating a better sex life will strengthen your relationship in many other ways.

ADHD doesn’t disappear when the two of you get into bed together. Although everyone gets distracted sometimes, even during sex, people with ADHD tend to get distracted more often. It can be difficult to turn off your brain and ignore unrelated thoughts about the day or outside sounds, which makes it hard to give physical and emotional intimacy your full attention. This can impact both your ability to be responsive to your partner and also to focus on your own enjoyment.

At the other end of the spectrum, some partners with ADHD may hyperfocus during sex, which can make for a very intense experience, potentially for both partners. The partner who has ADHD may have a higher desire for variety and novelty in his or her sexual experiences, which stimulate the release of dopamine. When channeled in ways that a partner enjoys, this can make for a very rewarding sex life. If not, it can lead to disagreements over what is acceptable sexual behavior within the relationship (for example, pornography, sharing fantasies, extramarital activities, and so forth).

High sensitivity to touch, sound, smell, and light can make the ADHD sexual experience even trickier. The partner who has ADHD may sometimes not be able tolerate being touched even in a caring, loving manner. Intermittent or changing sensitivities are confusing and frustrating for the partner who does not have ADHD. A stroke or touch that was welcome one night may be irritating or even painful the next, which baffles the couple and interferes with sexual satisfaction. Worse, it may postpone sex until the couple can work through their differences.

Probably the biggest effect that ADHD has on a couple’s sex life happens long before the couple even gets into bed. Conflicts from earlier in the day can interfere with feeling sexually generous toward your partner or with the vulnerability involved in making sexual requests. It’s an unfortunate irony that the more a couple struggles, the less able they are to enjoy the restorative benefits of great sexual experiences.

In addition to the emotional factors, ADHD also creates logistical barriers to sex. Lost efficiencies during the day often translate into getting into bed later, thereby squeezing out the time that most couples have for sex. This is further exacerbated when the two partners have different bedtimes, so they lose built-in opportunities for time together to turn sexual.

Women with ADHD are at the mercy of hormonal swings, which alternately amplify or diminish their ADHD symptoms; low estrogen means high ADHD symptoms. Estrogen virtually disappears just before menses begins, so women still having monthly cycles are likely to feel the effects of the ADHD brain then. Menopausal or post-menopausal women have a double whammy in that both their circulating estrogen levels and their sexual desires are low. Recognizing and understanding female ADHD hormonal influences will smooth conflicts in the bedroom as well as out of it.

The good news is that getting on top of your or your partner’s ADHD will probably have a positive effect on your sex life. Don’t buy into the myth that taming the ADHD is enough or that all the work has to come from the partner who has ADHD. After all, couples without ADHD also need to work at creating a good relationship, in and out of bed.

Addressing the ADHD issues is important for a satisfying sex life, but dealing with the relationship issues is equally and perhaps even more important. With commitment, conversation, humor, and love, couples with ADHD can be happy in bed and out.

A longer version of this post appeared in the August 2014 issue of Attention magazine, available through our free app, which you can download on the App store. Current CHADD members can access it through the app at no extra cost.

You can also start or join a conversation about ADHD and sex on Attention connection, your social network for all things ADHD!

ARI TUCKMAN, PsyD, MBA is the author of Understand Your Brain, Get More Done: The ADHD Executive Functions Workbook (2012) and More Attention, Less Deficit: Success Strategies for Adults with ADHD (2009). He is a psychologist in private practice in West Chester, Pennsylvania, and a member of the CHADD board of directors.

LINDA ROGGLI, PCC, founded the ADDiva Network to support women over age 40 who suspect they may have ADHD. She is a professional certified coach and the creator of GardenSpirit Guesthouse, a women's retreat center in the Piedmont of North Carolina. She is the author of Confessions of an ADDiva: midlife in the non-linear lane (Passionate Possibility Press, 2011).

My Lucky Day

by Kirsten Milliken, PhD

Do you remember finding money on the ground when you were a kid? If you lived in a more rural area, it may not have happened often. But I remember finding money all the time when I was a kid. Not just coins—dollars! I can’t remember the last time this happened to me. Until this week, when I found a five-dollar bill on the street. I felt so lucky! It happened in the midst of a lucky streak.

Leading up to this serendipity, I was spending time with a friend of mine who also believes, as I do, that our attitude influences our destiny. I had been thoroughly enjoying my time with her. As a result, I was enjoying everything else in my life, because my happiness and playfulness leaked into the rest of my life after our visit ended. I talked with shopowners, chatted with friends, and got lucky—not once, but several times in 48 hours! (Not that way!)

After my visit with my friend, I went shopping in downtown Portland. Now, parking can be very difficult, but there was a spot right outside the shop I wanted to go to. As I pulled into the spot, someone came up to my window and offered me their parking slip for a free hour of parking. Whoopppee! Later on I delivered some of my friend's apple cider vinegar to a favorite local restaurant. On the way back to my car there it was—five dollars, just lying all alone on the sidewalk!

The next morning I went to a megastore where the lines at the checkout were mega-long. I had all sorts of thoughts on my mind to keep myself entertained, so I did not mind waiting. As the woman ahead of me finished paying, she turned to me, handed me a card, and said, “This is for you.” I was surprised. When I finally looked at the card, it said, “You are amazing. Keep it up.”  From a stranger! That made my whole month!

On my last stop of the morning, I went to a store that carries a type of gum I like that you can only get during the holidays. They did not have any on the shelves, but I asked a perky sales associate anyway. She got excited and said, “What a coincidence! I was surprised when I found one last box last night.” She showed me the box with eleven packs of gum and laughed when I said I would take all of them.

My life is charmed! Usually my attitude just makes for more fun and adventures as I go through my day. I must have had some extra because I had all that amazing luck for 48 hours. I kept all the tokens—the parking ticket, the five-dollar bill, and the gum (I haven’t chewed it all yet). I am carrying the “You are amazing” card to give away to someone else so they can have a lucky day.


Got a story to share? Start or join a conversation on Attention connection, your social network for all things ADHD!

Kirsten Milliken, PhD, is a licensed clinical psychologist, a certified ADHD coach, and the founder of PlayDHD. She lives in Portland, Maine, with her two amazing children and two really freaky dogs. Dr. Milliken is passionate about helping those with ADHD communicate about the ways that ADHD affects them and coaches them to develop skill sets that build on their strengths in order to manage the day-to-day challenges of ADHD. She created PLAYDHD to create a specific awareness of the connection between ADHD and the value of play. Her website, playdhd.com, is dedicated to the art of using play in managing symptoms of ADHD, achieving goals, and enjoying life. She is an active member in the ADHD Coaches Organization (ACO), CHADD, Attention Deficit Disorder Association (ADDA), International Coaches Federation (ICF), and a graduate of the ADD Coaches Academy (ADDCA). She regularly presents at ADHD conferences on the subject of play. She also hosts the PlayDHD podcast, is a frequent guest and former co-host on Attention Talk Radio, and contributes to various other websites serving the ADHD community.