'I'm Sorry' Is Not a Magic Wand

by Kirsten Milliken, PhD

A few days ago I was sitting with a friend who also has ADHD. We were having a great time amusing one another with stories of our day. I had a really funny story to tell. It was a story that was going to cause us to laugh hard and long—maybe even snort!

Earlier that day I’d had an interaction with some twenty-something-year-olds at the mall. I set the scene, but before I could tell the actual story, my friend remarked, “They must be looking at you, hanging out at the mall, thinking, “what a loser.” Now, in the real world, this remark was actually somewhat funny. But in my world, the word “loser” hit an old sore spot and made me catch my breath.

My friend immediately saw that I was hurt. I immediately said, “I know you did not mean anything by that. It just felt mean to me.” My friend apologized and I accepted it saying it really was not necessary. I knew her intention was not mean. We are friends. She was caught up in the image of the scene I had set up. I understood the context of the comment. The hurt was from my past. So I had accepted the apology and now she wanted to hear the story…

But I was no longer in the same mood.

I wanted to tell the story. It was hilarious. But I had to be in that mood to tell it.

I said I needed a few minutes. But we have ADHD.

My friend was still in a playful mood and wanted to continue in that mood—not this new one. I was trying to resolve my hurt, but it was going to take a lot of effort to get back there again. She did not want to feel guilty and wanted to go back to playing. She got mad at me. “So you don’t want to share your story because you’re mad at me?” I was not. But the play had been put on hold and this was unacceptable to her. There was no way for her to understand my struggle to play more because she did not know what was causing my hurt if it was not her comment.

An apology is not a magic wand. Whether it is your words or actions that causes someone’s hurt, things do not just go back the way they were because an apology is offered and accepted.

Grab a plate and throw it on the ground.
—Okay, done.
Did it break?
—Yes.
Now say sorry to it.
—Sorry.
Did it go back to the way it was before?
—No.
Do you understand?

I love this quote about apologies: It illustrates exactly what I tried to explain to my friend. But she felt bad and did not understand no matter how hard I tried to explain.

I have to say that I desperately wanted to get back to being more playful as well. I love our fun together. But I needed to pause and find my way back there. But now I had two barriers to feeling playful—my own hurt and hers. Needless to say we did not play, and the evening ended earlier than expected. Sadly.

So what would have gotten us back to play? Time will eventually get us back to play. In the moment, if my friend had asked me what was causing my upset if it was not her words, this might have helped her to understand my reaction. Changing the subject to something else for a brief period of time may have also helped to change my focus from the word that triggered me to something more enjoyable.

Moods can change quickly. But they are not like rubber bands. Once they change they do not snap back by just willing ourselves to let them go. With time, distractions, and understanding they can resolve. I’m looking forward to more play with my friend and I still have that story to tell her next time. It’s hilarious!



Kirsten Milliken, PhD, is a licensed clinical psychologist, a certified ADHD coach, and the founder of PlayDHD. She lives in Portland, Maine, with her two amazing children and two really freaky dogs. Dr. Milliken is passionate about helping those with ADHD communicate about the ways that ADHD affects them and coaches them to develop skill sets that build on their strengths in order to manage the day-to-day challenges of ADHD. She created PLAYDHD to create a specific awareness of the connection between ADHD and the value of play. Her website, playdhd.com, is dedicated to the art of using play in managing symptoms of ADHD, achieving goals, and enjoying life. She is an active member in the ADHD Coaches Organization (ACO), CHADD, Attention Deficit Disorder Association (ADDA), International Coaches Federation (ICF), and a graduate of the ADD Coaches Academy (ADDCA). She regularly presents at ADHD conferences on the subject of play. She also hosts the PlayDHD podcast, is a frequent guest and former co-host on Attention Talk Radio, and contributes to various other websites serving the ADHD community.

Why Work When You Can Plork?

by Kirsten Milliken, PhD

Dr. Stuart Brown is the founder of the National Institute for Play. His research has centered on asking his guinea pigs (humans) how they played as a child. The purpose of his original research was to gather data about serial killers. What he found was that one of the things that was consistent among them was that they did not play as kids. What kind of future can one imagine for oneself if one doesn’t play?

In my “plork” (combination of play and work) with clients I also ask them how they played as kids. Now I am not interviewing serial killers. Nor do I coach them, do therapy with them, or offer career counseling services in hopes that they might find a more suitable profession. My clients all have ADHD. Asking them about how they played can help them in a variety of areas.

When you think about how you played, the thought alone can often change your mood. Think about how old you were, where you were, who you were with, what you were doing, how it felt. Once you can capture that mood a lot of other things can shift. For instance, when we are in a happier mood and feeling playful we are often more open to flashes of insight, we are more creative, more optimistic, and more social. Feeling playful helps us to focus, raises our level of motivation, and makes us feel more energized. We can be more effective, productive, and happy in all aspects of our lives.

Many career coaches ask clients to recall what, when they were kids, they wanted to be when they grew up. This often sheds some insight into their true passion, interests, and abilities, and offers a path to consider for their next career. Some of my clients cannot recall what they wanted to be when they grew up. But the information is readily available when they are asked about how they liked to play as kids. Plus, the focus is then on play rather than work! This alone seems to help my clients become more open to possibilities for themselves. Of course, if they can’t answer either question I may want to refer them back to Dr. Brown!

Back to that word I used earlier—PLORK. I passionately dislike the word “work.” It suggests that what I am doing is difficult and a burden. But the word “play” suggests to many that what I do is frivolous, immature, nonproductive. So a combination of these is what I do. This satisfies everyone, gives me a little giggle, and typically leads to a conversation about my thoughts about the connection between play, work, and ADHD.

How did you play as a kid? How does this show up in your plork now?



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Kirsten Milliken, PhD, is a licensed clinical psychologist, a certified ADHD coach, and the founder of PlayDHD. She lives in Portland, Maine, with her two amazing children and two really freaky dogs. Dr. Milliken is passionate about helping those with ADHD communicate about the ways that ADHD affects them and coaches them to develop skill sets that build on their strengths in order to manage the day-to-day challenges of ADHD. She created PLAYDHD to create a specific awareness of the connection between ADHD and the value of play. Her website, playdhd.com, is dedicated to the art of using play in managing symptoms of ADHD, achieving goals, and enjoying life. She is an active member in the ADHD Coaches Organization (ACO), CHADD, Attention Deficit Disorder Association (ADDA), International Coaches Federation (ICF), and a graduate of the ADD Coaches Academy (ADDCA). She regularly presents at ADHD conferences on the subject of play. She also hosts the PlayDHD podcast, is a frequent guest and former co-host on Attention Talk Radio, and contributes to various other websites serving the ADHD community.

Pause, Reflect, and Refocus

 by Kirsten Milliken, PhD

A friend recently pointed out to me that I was frustrated “a lot.” I stopped (because I have learned to pause) and thought about it. I very quickly knew he was right.

I had been complaining a lot about everything in my life. I was frustrated with my kids, annoyed with people at work, impatient, and disappointed frequently. And I was not being quiet about this. Everyone knew that I was frustrated. Only this man had the guts to point it out.

One of the casualties of my frustration was that I was not enjoying myself and playing as much. Everything was more serious. Things had to be on time. I did not have time to “waste.” Everything became a mission. Plans needed to be made and kept. I wanted to know “what next?” I was becoming more rigid and tense and unhappy. They say the opposite of play is depression—I was certainly moving in this direction.

Some days after my frustration was pointed out to me I realized that I had moved away from my acceptance and enjoyment of how things were in my life and moved into focusing on hopes and expectations. My friend had only recently said to me, “Hopes and expectations only lead to disappointment.” (And frustration). Such wisdom.

This line of thinking made me reflect on a conversation I had with Dr. Mark Bertin at the CHADD conference last year. He talks to his ADHD clients about the importance of mindfulness—the practice of being in the moment and fully appreciating it. As we talked we drew the parallel between the idea of being in the moment when we are truly playful and being mindful. Acceptance and enjoyment are mindful and are more conducive to play.

So if you find yourself feeling frustrated, disappointed, impatient, or annoyed, take a moment to check if you are focused on your expectations and refocus on being mindful and present in the current moment. Be playful with what and who you have in front of you. I know I am working on doing this more so that life will be happier again.


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Kirsten Milliken, PhD, is a licensed clinical psychologist, a certified ADHD coach, and the founder of PlayDHD. She lives in Portland, Maine, with her two amazing children and two really freaky dogs. Dr. Milliken is passionate about helping those with ADHD communicate about the ways that ADHD affects them and coaches them to develop skill sets that build on their strengths in order to manage the day-to-day challenges of ADHD. She created PLAYDHD to create a specific awareness of the connection between ADHD and the value of play. Her website, playdhd.com, is dedicated to the art of using play in managing symptoms of ADHD, achieving goals, and enjoying life. She is an active member in the ADHD Coaches Organization (ACO), CHADD, Attention Deficit Disorder Association (ADDA), International Coaches Federation (ICF), and a graduate of the ADD Coaches Academy (ADDCA). She regularly presents at ADHD conferences on the subject of play. She also hosts the PlayDHD podcast, is a frequent guest and former co-host on Attention Talk Radio, and contributes to various other websites serving the ADHD community.

The Real Secret of Success

by Kirsten Milliken, PhD

There is a movement on to encourage kids and adults alike to incorporate more play in their day—whether it is being in nature, connecting with your kids, having fun at work, or just taking a break once in a while. But if you are an adult with ADHD, you may struggle to find the time to have fun. With the seemingly endless list of projects to complete and never having enough time to “do it all,” taking a break and having fun always make their way off the list of things we intend to do each day.

In recent years researchers have been investigating the impact that “all work and no play” can have on our health, productivity, and happiness. Shawn Achor of Harvard gave a TED Talk on research findings that have led to a new way of thinking about the relationship between success and happiness. He postulates that it is not success that leads to happiness, but rather happiness that leads to success. By engaging in activities that increase our optimism and focus our brain on positive experiences in our days, we activate the dopamine pathway and light up our frontal cortex, thus increasing our potential for learning, creativity, and a sense of well-being. The frontal cortex is also the region that is most closely associated with ADHD. And dopamine is the neurotransmitter that is targeted in medications used to treat ADHD.

Taken together, the above information might suggest that focusing on habits that improve happiness is the path to success for people with ADHD. But most strategies that are suggested for adults with ADHD target the goals of being more productive, efficient, and focused on work. When the time comes for a break, the time when habits to promote happiness might occur, many adults with ADHD find themselves at a loss for exactly what to do. As a result the break time passes without any joy, fun, or increase in happiness.

In order to get started, stay focused, and be productive, individuals with ADHD often use to-do lists, reminder apps, calendars, and alarms. We leave our free time to chance. While it’s great to be spontaneous and free time might be the perfect time to be impulsive, when you are starting to develop a habit to build happiness, it is not the time to leave things to chance. Why not have a plan to play? A standing menu of options that you change up on a regular basis or add to depending on the day. A starting point so when the time comes for a break or down time you know what you can do to get the dopamine flowing to your frontal cortex. Think about the things that “get you going.” What would be on your list?


Kirsten Milliken, PhD, is a licensed clinical psychologist, a certified ADHD coach, and the founder of PlayDHD. She lives in Portland, Maine, with her two amazing children and two really freaky dogs. Dr. Milliken is passionate about helping those with ADHD communicate about the ways that ADHD affects them and coaches them to develop skill sets that build on their strengths in order to manage the day-to-day challenges of ADHD. She created PLAYDHD to create a specific awareness of the connection between ADHD and the value of play. Her website, playdhd.com, is dedicated to the art of using play in managing symptoms of ADHD, achieving goals, and enjoying life. She is an active member in the ADHD Coaches Organization (ACO), CHADD, Attention Deficit Disorder Association (ADDA), International Coaches Federation (ICF), and a graduate of the ADD Coaches Academy (ADDCA). She regularly presents at ADHD conferences on the subject of play. She also hosts the PlayDHD podcast, is a frequent guest and former co-host on Attention Talk Radio, and contributes to various other websites serving the ADHD community.

Freedom from Frustration

by Terry M. Dickson, MD, ACG, CPCC

Ever have one of those ADHD moments when there is a lot of overwhelm? Those moments when, feeling intense emotion, tension, and helplessness, we are unable to remain calm and collected?

It can begin when we believe we need something and there doesn’t seem to be a way to fulfill that need. Of course, everything should run smoothly, but in reality, it doesn’t. And when we can’t seem to achieve what we want right away, if things are chaotic and we get into overwhelm mode, frustration and sometimes anger can set in. We don’t always get what we want, and we are often out of our routine. Frustration is a common emotional response to being out of sync with what we want or expect to happen.

What kinds of situations leave folks with ADHD vulnerable to frustration, anger, and overwhelm? There are so many: we’re sitting in traffic, our kids are out of control, our spouse criticizes us for something after we’ve had a difficult day at the office, we’re trying to do something that just doesn’t seem to work....

Frustration isn’t just external irritation. It goes beyond that. When needs, goals, or expectations are not met, we typically experience anger, disappointment, dissatisfaction, or discouragement.

Frustration saps our energy. It can make us tired, feeling helpless, or even resentful. If that stress continues, we may feel like we have nothing left to give and begin to push others away.

Often people with ADHD impulsively express their frustration inappropriately and may feel embarrassed or regretful afterwards. They often express anger or make rash, reactionary statements toward others. Even though these responses may help release a bunch of energy, other people can get very hurt, and a lot of misunderstanding can result.

It is well known that folks with ADHD often suffer overwhelm and that frustration is a normal consequence. But what is most important is how you handle that frustration.

Are there self-empowering ways of handling frustration? Sure. You can learn new coping strategies. You don’t have to take it out on others. Identify when you are being judgmental or having unrealistic expectations of others. Here are some tips.

1. Be aware of ADHD moments. Learn what situations tend to make you most vulnerable. When you notice you are getting frustrated, stop for minute. Take a deep breath. Closing your eyes and deep breathing are often helpful. Ask yourself, “What is it that I am frustrated about?”

2. Give yourself a time out. Go jogging, go for a walk, or exercise on the treadmill. Try to dissipate that stress. You may feel more relaxed and refreshed. It’s hard to be your beautiful, creative self when you are in survival mode. You may experience a new resourcefulness. Practice relaxation techniques.

3. Remember, you have choices. Try stepping back from what is frustrating you and look at it from a new perspective. Are you able to step back and look at the situation as an observer on the outside? Get a metaview of the situation from a curious perspective. When you are not in the thick of the problem, but looking at the whole picture as an outsider, you have a whole new vantage point to see other possibilities and solutions.

4. Avoid taking on a victim mentality. Don’t give up or quit. That victim mentality will leave you with poor self-esteem and even more anger or frustration. Frustration does not need to leave you collapsed with doom or feeling like a failure. Don’t go there! If things seem too difficult to handle, ask yourself, “Who do I need to be to accomplish ___________? What knowledge or skills do I need to accomplish_________?

5. Use this experience as an opportunity for new awareness and learning. What possibilities you might discover! Frustration and overload present opportunities for self-empowerment, discovery, and forward action. When you are able to be in control and redirect that energy, you are able to be more connected with others. You are free to be your wonderful, creative self.

6. Imagine a positive outcome. What did you learn from your frustration? What can you celebrate about the learning? Imagine yourself being successful and that others around you are winning, too.

7. Stick to a routine and work in an environment that is friendly to your style.

8. Make sure you get plenty of sleep.

To your success!

Terry

Terry M. Dickson, MD, ACG, CPCC, is the founder and director of The Behavioral Medicine Clinic of NW Michigan that has served and supported children, adolescents, and adults with ADHD for over eleven years. He has been a principal study investigator for several clinical ADHD medication trials. A Certified Professional Co-Active Coach, he is a graduate of the ADD Coach Academy and the Coaches Training Institute. Diagnosed with ADHD as an adult, Dr. Dickson speaks regularly on ADHD and has been interviewed locally and nationally on radio, television, and CHADD’s Ask the Expert online. Dr. Dickson and his wife of 32 years have two teenage children, both of whom have ADHD.

Why Am I So Angry?

by Terry M. Dickson

More evidence that there is a strong emotional component to ADHD has emerged over the past several years. Although ultimately it was not included, this emotional component was taken into consideration in determining the diagnostic criteria for ADHD in the DSM-5, the latest revision of the diagnostic manual. Folks with ADHD often have a difficult time regulating their emotions, and when faced with overwhelm, can have angry outbursts that hurt their relationships in the process.

Is anger something that is hurting your relationships, resulting in strained relationships within your family and with your friends? Here are some truths about anger when it is not controlled:

•      It impedes our ability to be happy.

•      It can send marriages and other family relationships off-course.

•      It compromises our social skills, thus interfering with healthy relationships.

•      It can result in non-productive business because of strained relationships.

•      It can lead to health problems because of increased stress.

 Anger is not always bad. It is a natural reaction to feelings of hurt and betrayal. It needs to be expressed at times and not held inside. However, aggressive forms of anger that are out of control can further hurt you socially, mentally, and physically. The goal of anger management is to help you find healthy ways to express that anger and resolve the issues that trigger it. Here are some tips for you:

•      Give yourself a “time out.” Find a safe spot for yourself and try deep breathing to calm down. Close your eyes and breathe all that stress out.

•      Give yourself a break. Go for a walk, get some exercise. Fresh air will do you good. Later you can come back to the problem from a new perspective and solve it!

•      It is okay to express your anger in a healthy, non-confrontational way. Decide what the real issue is. Once you are calm, state your concerns while being sensitive to the feelings of others.

•      Learn to recognize those ADHD moments that trigger your anger. Think about the effect your anger had on others around you. How might you handle the same situation differently from now on?

•      Ask yourself this question: “Will the object of my anger even matter ten years from now?”

•      Take care of yourself. Make sure that you get enough sleep, eat a healthy, well-balanced diet, and exercise regularly.

•      Brainstorm positive solutions to the problem.

•      Learn to think before you speak. In the heat of a discussion it is more difficult to listen. It may be easier if you pause in the moment, allowing yourself to collect your thoughts and reflect upon what the other person is saying.

•      Use humor to release tension.

•      Know when to seek help from a counselor or coach.

Terry M. Dickson, MD, ACG, CPCC, is the founder and director of The Behavioral Medicine Clinic of NW Michigan that has served and supported children, adolescents, and adults with ADHD for over eleven years. He has been a principal study investigator for several clinical ADHD medication trials. A Certified Professional Co-Active Coach, he is a graduate of the ADD Coach Academy and the Coaches Training Institute. Diagnosed with ADHD as an adult, Dr. Dickson speaks regularly on ADHD and has been interviewed locally and nationally on radio, television, and CHADD’s Ask the Expert online. Dr. Dickson and his wife of 32 years have two teenage children, both of whom have ADHD.

Words of Encouragement

by Terry M. Dickson, MD, ACG, CPCC

One of the best things I learned from coach training is that you can’t make someone else act or think in a certain way. You can only model good behavior and be a good example. Ultimately, each person has to take ownership for his or her life. So whether you are addressing your spouse or your child with ADHD, don’t attempt to mold them like clay. It doesn’t work! Besides, you can’t wave the magic brain-changing wand and make ADHD symptoms go away. But there is one thing you can do: You can encourage people and build them up.

Words can build up or they can tear down. Words that tear down can be internalized and may falsely define who another person is. Words that build up may inspire another person to greatness. Discouraging words also can alienate and result in communication breakdown and lack of trust.
Encouragement goes straight to the heart, however.

Knowing what a big difference encouragement has made in your own life, how can you be an encouragement to those in your family? Here are some tips:

1. Be aware of what encourages you and do the same for others.
2. Write your spouse or child a note with words of encouragement.
3. Always be specific when you offer praise: “You did a great job at _____.”   “I really appreciate that you _____.”
4. When you see positive changes in the other person’s life, affirm that person: “You really seem to have a great attitude about _____.”
5. If encouraging thoughts come to mind, share them with your family.
6. We all make mistakes, so look beyond fault. It may just be an opportunity for you to teach that there is much learning to be gained through failure.
7. Remember that most people may not reach their potential without someone believing in them and taking the time to tell them so.

Terry

Terry M. Dickson, MD, ACG, CPCC, is the founder and director of The Behavioral Medicine Clinic of NW Michigan that has served and supported children, adolescents, and adults with ADHD for over eleven years. He has been a principal study investigator for several clinical ADHD medication trials. A Certified Professional Co-Active Coach, he is a graduate of the ADD Coach Academy and the Coaches Training Institute. Diagnosed with ADHD as an adult, Dr. Dickson speaks regularly on ADHD and has been interviewed locally and nationally on radio, television, and CHADD’s Ask the Expert online. Dr. Dickson and his wife of 32 years have two teenage children, both of whom have ADHD.